why he'd do that?
bc? before cable
maybe cuz he only had one eye & was shot in the elbow
or maybe cuz he lived in Thalia all his vacant life
that's sufficient ta drive most folks crazy
even if they got a satellite dish
anyway Sonny woulda done a sight better
if he had plugged into the world machine
ripped open a little e-mail & a joke 'stead
of VCRin' dead movies in his head
all senile in black & white
was that ol' Sonny at Kwik-Sack
what had his feet cut off?
the very one
know Jody Carmichael
runs the Corners down the road?
ol' coot can hardly sell ya a beer
cuz he's so on-line
keepin' score of Commonist soccer off a moon dish
& shootin' e-mail to Brazil
says he makes 50 bets a day
how they collect when ya lose a on-line bet Donny?
see Lonny
that's the thing
connection gives ya technical problems like that
makes ya download a different life
get updates & read the FAQ's
the rope mounts ya up on the ol' splintered pony
(one time Duane wired Old Man Balt's feet to the stirrups
when he rode the flag for the centennial)
(good thing we had that centennial too
keep those Byelos & Balts & Russkies in check
so they ain't runnin' amuck like down ta Odessa)
even if the calliope careens & squeaks
& they ain't no actual cows to catch
(oh yeah!
better click your dumb ass over to the 2cows Sport
& see all the critters they is to catch
nah ain't gonna give ya the 'ddress
want me to drink that beer for ya too?)
don't bust out all that poetry Donny
gettin' back to feet
ya know Bobby Lee Moore?
said one time he was so bored
he shot off his own toe
really did / saw it
pinkie toe it wuz
yeah shootin' runs in the family
Duane useta damage a dog house for recreation
applied a .44 magnum
'bout a dollar & half a shoot
my advice is
let your finger do the walkin'
keep your shooter in your pants
clickin' 'round the world ride
E-poem: thirty-six
hey Lonny
why ya fingerin' that laptop?
cruise control on the blink?
or ya just slumpin' off-line again?
gotta type a book report
thought ya rustled those?
yeah but this is local stuff nobody knows
'sides this McMurtry
maligned & overbid a hand
maintained that 4-H'ers 'bominate livestock somethin' fierce
here 'bout
like it wuz Friday night after we thumped Thalia in football
& we're too drunk to live
yeah relations is a private affair
claimed he couldn't understand Byelo-Baptists
shoot / everybody knows
Byelo-Baptists is white-on-white
only mystery is how a couple a Russkies snuck inta
the panhandle
they the ones that can't tolerate a TV dinner?
preach the Last Supper was
hot biscuits / chicken-fried steak & Dr. Pepper
okra on the side
don't know 'bout that
they do allow McDonalds is the new world order
nonkosher & unsanctified
cuz they don't hold with freezin' & microwavin'
& unnatural processin' in general
say God 'xpects cooked meat for dinner
& none of this low-cal virtual stuff
chitlins / links / Bologna sausages / forced-meats
liverings / hogs' haslets / young quails & teals
turkey on Thanksgivin'
& always add cheese for the first course
(think that's funny?
hope they glue your ass to a yellow stool
at Jack In The Box after Judgment
make ya read Rabelais 'til ya puke
& then ya have ta slup that puke up with a straw 'til ya
puke
& then ya have to slup that up 'til all them
exponentials
make ya 'xplode & then ya have to slup that up)
sounds like ya been studyin' up for that book report
Lonny
not so's anybody'd notice
know how the Campbellites just allow shoutin'
& can't abide unnatural music off a organ
cuz it's highfalutin & hurts the Almighty's ears?
well the Byelos want natural slow cooked burgers
think they're big over ta Hereford
guess I can see it
ol' Nick's got a little somethin' for ya in a zip
lock bag
fry ya in Olean & 'xplode
your head in a microwave
& if ya want ta taste hellfire eat habenero
ya ha ha Donny
know Dickie?
what runs Duane's oil bidness now
Dickie says plain ol' Texas food is the only straight way to shoot
says if ya eat things that ain't grow'd right here in Texas
infects your head
gives ya the heartburn what boils up the devil & bad dreams
I 'member Dickie useta do his share of pukin'
when he was dopin' & drinkin' & ropin'
didn't know out-of-state food was the main culprit
he gonna start a cult like Waco?
young quails & forced-meat & all
nah he's got oil to get
least ways them bible thumpers ain't bearin' down on computers
you'd think they would
too busy peckin' to website the word
suppose them Mormon kids is gonna missonize by wire?
be a whole lot easier to spam the world & use a hard drive
than walk 'round & do it by hand
E-poem:
thirty-seven
Jonathan Edwards worries about connectivity asking:
who do you trust to be your Internet Service Provider (ISP)?
think
how it is easy for us to cut or singe a slender thread
that any single thing dangles by
(like a hairy pre-school spider)
thus easy is it for ISP to sever connection
an arbitrary will restrained by no fiduciary obligation
(like you could get your character's life back
& start the game over
ask ol' Duane if that's possible
ain't ya read the book?
ol' Rawley 'll tan your hide
if he finds out)
hindered by no manner of technical difficulty
so exposed you are
(out in the wind shivering in the dark
plumb bob naked on the highway of life
up in Oklahoma)
to sudden unexpected interruption
(& its rainin' & sleetin' & a semi is
barrelin'
with no headlights
to splatter your heathen ass
but ya can't measure just when)
the next byte & breath unreached
think
how devils watch & lurk & wait
they are ever by you on-line
at your mouse hand
between the finger & click
(an active window obscuring unrefreshed
your tattletale angel's sunshine view)
devils watch where you click
(pecking like a damn idjit chicken ain't ya?
well it's dog-eat-dog now Buster)
they stand waiting to seize you as their own meat
the instant connection fails
your vision in a crash
(like when a big ol'airliner slams into solid rock)
& before you awake to the physical place
their claws & teeth will slash
(cut right through 'luminum like it wuz a onion paper
website)
think
how all pains & contrivance on your local machine
availth not / vain & preposterous
the ladder not reaching
all your righteous programming
with no influence to establish & force connection
(just jam it in quick!
afore it squirts)
can a spider's web stop a falling rock?
(a really big one)
know
electricity does not willingly serve
your machine for breath to maintain its flame
of simulated life in its own separated metallic vitals
all life begs congress & connection
yet you hang by a slender thread
(maybe like a real 'xpensive glass ornament
dangling on a Christmas tree & the floor is cement
& they want a credit card number to let you in)
with wrath flamed & flashing
ready every moment to singe connection
& burn it asunder into a shadow of ash
thus it is in Weatherford
in dented mobile homes & wind
in unconverted & separate condition
whose hand can you grasp?
where e-mail your prayers?
(ya ready to phone over that Visa number yet?)
websites erupt in millions
(anybody can steal Giddeon from Motel 6)
but each promised hope
must crawl & snake through the wire
the covenanted metal thread
to reach connection
once God's visible people assembled in flesh
in this lush leafed land where now
we hear prairie wind whistle break to the fragile wire
static cursing unconnection
fingers unfisted
E-poem:
thirty-eight
Dear Donny:
betcha didn't expect a postcard from Delhi!
not the one east of San Marcos (:
that's a certified holy cow on front
betcha wonder how I got over here
you probably guessed: tour off the net
nonvirtual but extra credit at the CC
sort of like Mexico but not much
no tacos / no tequila
fake cyber cafes
they want to telegraph e-mail to your door!
they got loads of theory on credit
but no spending wire
there is a golden arches here / sort of
here's a spill of Campa Cola
wish I had a Dr. Pepper
adios my rickshaw's double-parked
PS when you come
leave your boots home
it's big hassle wrangling 'em off
for the temples
E-poem:
thirty-nine
Johnathan Edwards washes his hands of
Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God
let's get something straight right off Buster
I ain't no chawbacon Byelo-Baptist bog-trotter
like you're used to
who thinks a library card is a bus ticket to hell
I know I said shit 19 times
in a sermon
but it was junior high adapted (you dipshit!)
somebody needed to tell 'em
& ol' G. G. Rawley wouldn't spit it out
if he had a mouth full
nor wash it down with a sip of stout English brew
well he's a dumb shit too
& you can tell him that from me
& that's wired down from Princeton U. die-rect
now I'm about at the end of my rope
which is fittin' for in this verse is threatened
the vengeance of God on the wicked
(that means you Slick)
down there in Texas
you know what it is
to be thrown off a horse
(bet you never even smelled a horse
those kind of sliding along lies is
precisely why you're ponyin' into hell
like every beer kills another brain cell
until you got Alzheimer's oatmeal mush for a brain)
but you don't have to be thrown down by the hand of another
(like Jessie Ventura is your governor / you wish
ol' bald Jessie would throw your ass down pronto)
if you stand real still & the wind ain't blown
(maybe early in the morning one day a year)
& you concentrate real hard on a naked woman
(like Nicole Kidman & those teeny copper hairs)
you could naturally explode in nothing but flame
depraved & spontaneously combusted
(State Farm don't cover)
know how easy it is to tromp on a worm?
(or get shit on your boots in Lubbock?)
guess what size boot God wears
(custom made no doubt)
(what ya think
he buys at Walmart?
leaves his Caddie in the parkin' lot
with that Northstar System running?)
& he's just itching to stomp on your pointy head
& grind you into shit jelly
even if it gets shit on his boots
like stepping in a fresh cow pie
you deserve to be cast into hell
(hence the metaphor of shit)
already under a sentence of condemnation to hell
& that's somewhat south of Brownsville
(no you can't have a drink of water
no they ain't no Coke machines
no you can't transfer to Huntsville
they'd put ya in death row & inject ya mainline to hell)
did ya know your grandma is parked in hell?
& everybody else you ever knew what's dead
undoubtedly gone to hell in a hand basket
& now they have to munch through a big ol' shit sandwich
(no pickle / no lettuce / maybe a little deviled haslet)
told 'em not to go to hell
both Princeton fancy & Texas plain
would they listen?
no more 'an you Slick
I hope you're not walking around one day
& suddenly fall in a well or a big sinkhole
or maybe a land mine blows your damn feet off
but you probably will
prudence & care & Ben Franklin is all bullshit
natural men are held in the hand of God
over the pit of fiery hell
you're barbecued shit on a stick
I'd tell you more but it wouldn't make no difference
God saves those whom he so wills
& I doubt that's you Slick
okay here's the last pitch
I was once almost constantly in ejaculatory prayer
I spent most of my time in thinking of divine things
(don't ask me what
this is John Calvin & Walt Whitman
work on your own damn paper)
year after year
& then Christ zoomed up like a screen saver
made me cry for an hour
I have several other times had views
very much of the same nature
which have had the same effect
now you'll have to look up your own salvation
on some whacked out website
or roast
best of luck Slick
E-poem:
forty
The Rev. Falwell exposes Tinky Winky
now let's get some of this straight & narrow
Dipsy is a boy critter grass green
Po is a red Chinee
Laa-Laa is Marilyn Monroe in P.J's
& Tinky Winky is famous
you know he's the hefty sack
think he could go some with Barney?
battling babies toddle at the WWF
Baby Huey returns for grudge match
morph to Chuck Norris & Jessie Ventura
run some Harley-Davidson soundtrack
then bleed to a thumping Huey chopper
video: a whiz-by with a machine gun
whacking those rabbits
then a dissolve to a chopper teetering off a carrier
blending a Bugs Bunny smoothie as it goes in the drink
you have e-mail
subject: Oz hoses Winkies!
"the yellow Winkies were not a brave people"
but tinkered & removed the cover from their desktop
that's how the Winkies put the tin man together again
just like they do at Intel
zipping laptops in Teletubby tummies
when they get their Keebler cookies & milk
while we're on the subject of Oz
the wizard confessed
"I stood behind the screen and pulled a thread"
first ISP in Kansas:
whirling wire from the wizard
let's straighten some more
& make that wire whistle
Tinky is a cousin to those Kansas Winkies?
who mows that lawn where
the Teletubbies don't play golf?
hope it isn't that Slingblade guy
he's real scary
why don't them bunnies munch up the world
like they did in the Oz down under?
are Munchkins Winkies?
that dome is obviously a space ship
so why hasn't Fox Mulder cell phoned?
(he has called everybody else on the planet
mostly at night when you're trying to eat dinner
only the FBI could afford his phone bill)
while we're on the spaceship
do you think Teletubbies are overgrown tribbles?
like they nibbled into a box of Miracle Grow & exploded?
think tubbies could go the other way?
get anorexic & thin into weasels racing on the wire?
that Lamb Chop was a
critter in a sock
a snuck down snake selling applets from a tree
but that was before Flintstone vitamins
when kids didn't have a spell checker for tyrannosaurus
does Yoplait have that pink custard?
& does Penneys sell jammies with footsies in size XXXXL?
Falwell is so on the button
there is really a lot to learn
we haven't even plugged in Noo-Noo
the blue elephant vacuum
I bet the University of Texas is stuffing a scarecrow right now
to teach a distance ed graduate class on
Teletubbies & American culture
let's plan to study with a Happy Meal in our laptop
E-poem:
forty-one
Adam's Apocryphal Alphabet
everybody knows the devil echoes times three
like 666 & www & three horns
not the honking duck kind
more like duck & cover with a nuclear
bomb turtle
well the Byelo-Baptists are shooting back
slinging teraphim & ephods off the wire
pick any of these for cheerleads
or Burma Shave
aaa
Arms & Ammo for Armageddon
Abednego ain't a motel where they charge by the hour
Abishai figured to shave 'em while they snore
Adam dribbled down AIDS cuz the old gizzard
couldn't find a rubber plant in paradise
bbb
Byelo-Bible Baptists
barbecuing bustards byte by byte & bit by bit
Byelo-Baptist Butchers
if it's meat your hankering
you'll thank us when it's over
ccc
Christian Cowboys Cadillacing
ropin' down porn to fry off the wire
Civil Conservation Crew
conserved / preserved / reserved for the next life
keep a civilian tongue in your head
or it might get ripped out & nailed to the barn
like a hairy vermin hide
ddd
Dell Does Dallas
(Dalhart / Deaf Smith & Dilley ditto)
Duane Don't Drive
& he never been in church in his life
& the one time he was in a museum
his kid kicked over a thousand pound toad
& the only thing he ever read was his wife's tee shirts
sss
Spitting Sibilant Snakes
don't know if they're rattlers
but Byelo-Baptists is straight shooters
& ain't writhed up with sneaky snakes
who wanna sell ya a used car & siding
ttt
Thalia Takes Thistles
no I don't know what they do with 'em
Martha Stewart could spray paint 'em
into little Christmas trees
course ya have to keep a tumbleweed
in your garage 'til December
& think what the neighbors will say
www
Wonder Where on Wire
pass me a cookie
E-poem:
forty-two
Donny gets spam from the Day of Virus Doom™
"AIDS is just a click away
without the Day of Virus Doom™"
download your evaluation release of DVD™ now
before it's too late
(premature ejaculation your problem?
got software in your shorts when it's hardware you need?
want something more to show the girls than virtual ram?)
has Melissa tapped on your window?
she will & she's a pus dripper
her little mail file will
make your whole windows world
melt down to shit
there you were fingerin' along life's cyber-highway
chewing bubble-gum & drinking Dr. Pepper
calm in carnal reason & dreaming
(probably in a fancy convertible
like one of the them new Chryslers)
filling up your back seat with sweet little hamadryad girls
when straightway appears
& you see it with tears in your rearview mirror
the virus that will eat your lunch Sport
some think defragging will avail
(in pantyhose & women's clothes)
some trust in compression
(old Simonized popes compressed
squeezed into the fissures of the rock
unto a can of oil for ol ' Duane to pump)
& some in shareware virus snippers & snipers
(written by a little pimply high school kid
in Eustace named Gene
who has to mail it away for free)
well pilgrim
when the shit storm whirls down the wire
you can kiss your shareware ass goodbye
your fancies fed on cyber-candies & dreams
your heart fed on some old fashion lust
you loved the simulation more than the system
we had thy word in a license
(say some holding up dollar bills / in God we Trust)
but wiser programmers than we
could never yet make it hum
tough shit Jack
Christ pities not your cry
shove off to hell
there may you yell & roar eternal
(about licenses or whatever
point is nobody's listening)
live they must in deep shit
(it's right there plain as day in Dante
how folks is plowed down in shit)
forced by file & electrified wire
whilst God is just
that he may plague them so
(apparently jackin' the file 'bout a zillion times
like your stupid brother shootin' doom with his joystick
in the bathroom 'til his hand cramps)
& you ask
how could we sin that had not been
(I just added this class today
don't ask me why it don't run)
like you'll dodge Armageddon & skip the school assembly
http://www.virus.shits.on.windows.html
how is his sin our?
without consent or click
(be glad when you little shits are bussed to hell
& I don't have to listen to you whine about extra
credit)
which to prevent
(we're still talkin' viruses in this English class
Jack)
we never had a power
well that's the hand you got dealt Slick
install just one time without a rubber &
the bitch will sneak in on her hands & knees
& melt your system into speckled shit
for the wire is a public head
a common virtual root
whence all should shoot
(I have to admit
I don't know if we're talking sperms or germs
Mormon genealogy or doom game spurts or the www)
well this shit is gettin' old & the bell is gonna ring
here's the deal
unzip & you die
connect & the virus crawls right up your copper urethra
like you didn't know that
buy the damn virus shield
or go to hell / get AIDS or whatever
Melissa kiss the nice man goodbye
for there leave we them to diddle
on a blank screen
Eats in
the book
tucker sack & afterword dinner mint:
(probably you should get some Tums® right
now
don't lick your fingers / you'll get worms
specially if you petted a dog)
1. what was Donny's dog named?
(told ya they'd be a quiz)
a. Spot
b. Bubba
c. Dumb
d. Wiener
e. McGruff
now get the eats / Byelo-Baptist blessed
0. ice tea
(lotta folks think
Dr. Pepper® is the 'ficial drink of Texas
nope / it's ice tea.
it's really beer
but you're not suppose ta
admit it)
1. jelly
(hot jelly biscuits is tolerable
good
slamp a big glob a Smuckers® on)
2. dos
Equis® / tortillas
3. none
(but there's a supermarket
if ya got any money
maybe ya could loan me some &
we could get a tube of Pringles® & a Dr. Pepper® ):
4. none
(but there's sniffing)
5. cake with frosting &
sprinkles / vanilla (implied ice cream)
6. pennies / Budweiser® / marijuana
(well it ain't no worse than a
ocean of beer
'sides Dickie did his share/
didn't he?
& how'd ya like ta have ta
eat pennies like they
wuz Neccos®?)
7. none
(tell Duane ta pack a sack lunch if he's going ta Egypt)
8. Spam®
(biggest eaters are in Guam
how would ya like ta have ta live
in Guam & eat Spam®?
part of the hell theme?)
9. Jell-O®
(always room for Jell-O® ):
10. Safeway™ / OJ / salt / juice / applewhite (same as applejack?) /
cheese / zucchini
11. cherries / lunch money
(so it depends on the school lunch
menu
usually glop & fried plastic) /
bento
box-lunch
12. chicken / worm meatloaf / Mountain Dew® / white cheese /
horse apples (like fuji-apples?)
13. Spam® / Wolf Brand®
chili / catfishes /
eatin' dust & grit & mud (literary)
14. Circle-K™ / burrito / Dr. Pepper® / Sonic™
(order what ya want / get me some onion rings
be right back / gotta pee half a six pack) /
Butterfinger®
(don't tell Bart) /
black-box
(like a bento box with a surprise inside?) /
chili sauce / mushrooms / Spam®
(notice how Donny properly disposed
of his trash
that probably kept McGruff from
chasing his bike)
15. pizza / scallops
16. Hy-Vee™
(Prof. Bradley [WTAMU] informed the class that
Hy-Vee™ groceries is strictly
Midwest & can't be had in Texas
& he never had a RC Cola® from one in his life
so I asked him / Dr. B.
how ya gonna get Neccos® before ya go in the picture show?
ya gotta find a store
course Dr. B. is right
he's always right &
that's why Lonny & Donny went to
West
Texas Tech Community College
cuz
Dr. B. woulda give 'em D- just for bein' natural
& he'd make a joke
'bout Neccos® in your front pocket
anyway we're gonna get a poetic license
ta allow a Hy-Vee™ store real
close-by to the picture show
what probably ain't called Royal™ either
even if they are rebuildin'
probably better pick up 2 of them
licenses) /
McDonalds™ / Stephen King
(Burger King™? just like a fish could be Moby Dick)
17. make lunch
(doesn't say what
ya need more than one cookie
less it's a real big one like
at the mall) /
coffee
in a styrofoam cup (java) / grease
(probably lard)
18. can of beer & draft
(starved but course there wuz beer money
guess Texas ain't the only place) /
some boiling
(inedible)
19. fish
(allusion to Moby Dick?)
20. gum / Tic-Tacs® / Tums® / Crisco®
/ food (unspecified) /
drinks (unspecified) / something frying
21. cookie / beef
22. McDonalds™ / french-fries / ketchup
23. beer (sippin' a brew) / Big
Mac® / dos Equis®
24. milk / Czech beer / English ale / Guinness® stout / Gold Fassl® /
simulated tea (at an imaginary tea party) / doughnut / grocery carts
(no doubt "on-loan"
it would take a hive a carts to
hold all this tucker) /
wiener / mustard /
coffee (java) / ostrich / egg
/ chicken / gourd
(all those eggs & beer / better
consider the wallpaper)
25. Furrs™ / enchilada
26. disrelish
(a kind of pickle relish or a relish tray like with
radishes?) /
apples / Big Mac® / java applets
(Cotlets® is real good too / think
they're apricot) /
Spam® / Pepsi Cola®
27. Rueben
sandwich / mustard / tube steak
(implied by Monica)
28. implied beef
29. meat
(doesn't say what kind) /
Hershey's Kisses®
(plain chocolate) / Dr. Pepper® / banquet
(should be lots of good stuff there
/ less it's a
Banquet®
TV dinner)
TV dinner
30. Coca Cola® (specifies a glass bottle) / yum yum
(don't say what was so yummy)
/
ice tea /
fed it lunch
(doesn't say what) /
cookies
31. (I gotta tell you
half the time people in that book
ate squidburgers!)
flour bombs
(coulda been scooped off the road with a spatula
& made pancakes
thought I saw a banner behind that Cessna™:
Bub you been blessed by the best / bye bye / Byelo-Baptists Bombers
they coulda also got into road-kill right in through here)
32. skink soup (yuck!) / dos Equis® / fat / Dairy
Queen™ / Dorritos® /
megabytes of ram to bite
(didn't get this one)
33. none
(cupboard's bare)
34. pumpkin / Hy-Vee™ / guacamole /
implied tube steak
(insenitive homo jokes
students shouldn't be exposed
to these)
35. Dairy Queen™ / Kwik-Sack™
(if Sonny weren't dead
we could whip 'em up a webpage:
"Hankering for a
forced-meat? Get yours quick at Kwik-Sack") /
Corners™
/ beer / cows
36. white-on-white (rice?) / hot biscuits / chicken-fried steak /
Dr. Pepper® / okra / McDonalds™ / chitlins / links /
Bologna sausages / forced-meats
(is that real?
didn't explain but it looks
pretty sexual) /
liverings
(think that's wurst / could be from New Braunfels) /
hogs' haslets
(you'll have to look that up /
I'm 'bout ready to puke) /
quails / teals / turkey
/ cheese / Jack
In The Box™ /
Olean® / habenero / Spam®
(hope ya went & got those Tums®)
37. chicken / dog-eat-dog / onion / devils
eating people
38. tacos
(hope they didn't put that
teeny little dog in) /
tequila / cyber cafes / Campa Cola® / Dr.
Pepper®
39. chawbacon / English brew / oatmeal
/
shit jelly / cow pie / Coke® / shit sandwich (extra large) /
pickle
/ lettuce / deviled haslet / barbecued shit
40. rabbit smoothie /
Keebler® cookies / milk / Miracle Grow®
Yoplait® Teletubbie®
pink yogurt /
McDonalds™ Happy
Meal
41. duck / gizzard / meat / cookie
42. bubble-gum / Dr.
Pepper® / candies (unspecified)
conspicuously missing:
water / wine
/ bread
(I was huntin' the bread of life there for a while weren't
you?
biscuits is good but they ain't the same
did ya know Egyptians lived on bread / beer & onions?
ask Duane)
seal flipper pie / gravy
spaghetti
a can of dog food
(a good one like Pedigree®)
maybe a banana
(somebody says it's the perfect food)
(Donny
think I could turn this in ta home-ec?)
(nah stick with a trailer)
Texas
place names
Amarillo
Archer City
Austin
Borger
Brownsville
Calliope
Canyon (WTAMU)
Childress
Corpus Christi
Dalhart
Dallas
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